Im not quite sure how to start this one as I have so much to say. I guess I have a fair amount of experience in the department of doubt. I also however have a wonderful family who did their best to raise me and ensure that I had everything I need. I have great friends who have walked a long journey of self discovery with me, have been a shoulder to cry on, a trusting soul to confide in and an abundance of encouragement and even of late a wonderful, beautiful talented girlfriend that blows me away. Then why is there still this feeling of doubt that frequents my mind.
When I was about 18 months old I apparently decided that I would just leave home. I lived on a farm at this time and the story goes that I just walked out the yard and started to walk down the gravel road towards the farmlands. I was later picked up by a farmer who then drove around the neighborhood looking for the owners of the stray child. I always wonder what caused me to decide that this was a good idea. I guess Ill never know...just thought Id share some useless information.
Then came primary school where I spent most of my life in the school clinic. Later I was moved to a school that I never fitted into from the get go. I was in grade three and felt like I was alone in the world. I ran towards the only thing I knew, art. I consumed myself in it. I found purpose and comfort in it. I used it as a hideout. I remember have a few friends but I never let them in closer than an arms length.
High school.....mmmm at this point I decided I needed to make a change but what?
I moved to another school and decided to try and start over. Well this worked for a while, I guess I was fooling myself, by grade 10 I was the top student and remained there for the remainder of my high school career. What had I done I had merely moved from one obsession to another. I had some friends but again an arms length.
Before the school life ended I made another decision, I moved to something else. I tasted alcohol on a grand scale. I felt accepted by people I was able to leave the real me behind and be the carefree, and careless me that I had been secretly craving for a long time.
I was told many things during the course of the first 19 years of my life, things like, you are stupid, you don't have any friends, you are alone, you are not worth anything, you are not wanted, you are not normal, you are damaged, you were a mistake, you are not who you think you are. So much confusion, so much deception, so much DOUBT.
Where did all this doubt come from? How did it become such a massive problem.
I started to think about a field ready to plant, the soil is all churned up and fertile. I imagine the planter to be quite excited to plant all the seeds he has acquired but like many of us we are not sure what we plant. We don't know what it is supposed to look like when it grows. I have planed many seeds in my garden with the preconception that since I planted the seeds there that anything that grows there is what I had planted and because I am none the wiser about what the plant should look like I let the seedlings grow.
Well some of those seedlings are not what I wanted to grow but rather they are weeds. I let them grow big and strong and eventually I figure out that this is not what I had intended to grow at all. I had just cultivated weeds. So immediately I pull them out and plant something else. These weeds by this stage have already thrown seeds.... You can imagine where this is going. Anyone who has done some gardening knows that to get rid of weeds once they have multiplied is one hell of a job.
I think this is very much like the doubt in my life. It all starts off with a little lie like you are the reason your parents got married because you were conceived out of wedlock. Seems justifiable to a child. Instead of realising that this is in fact a lie from the pit of hell you leave it to grow. Maybe you don't know its a lie cause you don't know about Gods plan and that its perfect and that everything is part of plan A. I mean I never got to decide to get born to those parents. I never had a say. Well this lie starts to grow and spreads its seeds and next thing you look and you are considering taking your own life because you don't feel like you belong and that if you were to be gone everything would be better....... ITS A LIE!!!!!!
This type of thinking is not so easy to rid yourself of because it has contaminated your mind and your heart and no amount of "You are loved and wanted and loved" can repair that damage.
It goes without saying that I was a pretty messed up teenager and I had some pretty dark thoughts coursing through my brain. There were other situations causing me to think about other things that if I had known the truth would have been pulled out before they had the change to establish themselves. I was confused about life and what role I had in it, I had no self worth and this led to me being drawn any which way the wind blew. A dangerous place to be for anyone let alone a teenager who's hormones are running a mock.
I had eventually basically given up the plot and abandoned the field. I was overwhelmed and seeked ways to avoid the chaos of weeds. It was shortly after this, at the age of 20, I met the reason I was born, I met the reason I was still alive, I met the reason I was worthy. I met God. Face to face and I was captivated.
I still remember the weeks after the encounter, it was magical and nothing in the world was bothering me and all seemed pretty perfect. But God had another plan. He sent me back into the field that I had let become overcome by weeds and he started to make me pull them out. I started with the obvious ones.....my drinking addiction, my lying, my masking of myself.....it was a terrible time because I had to face things that I had bottled many years ago and hid in a room in my heart and shut the door, removed the door handle and then plastered over it. It was gone. But God has this way of looking from the inside out and He would say: "Daniel have you looked here? Do you remember this? What are you hiding in there?" Its a typical fall of mankind type of situation....Adam, why are you hiding?
Well I have been pulling stuff out for the last 8 years and still I find things that are huge I would pull it out and think, that's it its gone but sure enough it rears its ugly head again and again. I keep pulling and each time I realise sooner and sooner and eventually Im pulling out the weeds before they have the chance to germinate. Much of my life is free from the bondage's I allowed to be placed into. There is still much more resolve but the truth is its a process and depending on the severity of the situation it can be quite a lengthy one at that.
Don't ever think that for one minute that someone else will pull out these weeds and that they will all magically go away or that there is an easier way. I am quite an avid gardener and I know from experience that the best way is to pull them out. Its hard work and it hurts but the rewards are far beyond your wildest dreams.
I leave you with this: Never stop seeking the best version of you that you can be. But to know what the best version of you is you need to meet with and build a relationship with the one who created you. The one who gave you a purpose and a calling. Keep pulling out the weeds in your life and replace them with good seeds and before you know it you will have a beautiful place where you will find peace and restoration.
Much love
Dani D
When I was about 18 months old I apparently decided that I would just leave home. I lived on a farm at this time and the story goes that I just walked out the yard and started to walk down the gravel road towards the farmlands. I was later picked up by a farmer who then drove around the neighborhood looking for the owners of the stray child. I always wonder what caused me to decide that this was a good idea. I guess Ill never know...just thought Id share some useless information.
Then came primary school where I spent most of my life in the school clinic. Later I was moved to a school that I never fitted into from the get go. I was in grade three and felt like I was alone in the world. I ran towards the only thing I knew, art. I consumed myself in it. I found purpose and comfort in it. I used it as a hideout. I remember have a few friends but I never let them in closer than an arms length.
High school.....mmmm at this point I decided I needed to make a change but what?
I moved to another school and decided to try and start over. Well this worked for a while, I guess I was fooling myself, by grade 10 I was the top student and remained there for the remainder of my high school career. What had I done I had merely moved from one obsession to another. I had some friends but again an arms length.
Before the school life ended I made another decision, I moved to something else. I tasted alcohol on a grand scale. I felt accepted by people I was able to leave the real me behind and be the carefree, and careless me that I had been secretly craving for a long time.
I was told many things during the course of the first 19 years of my life, things like, you are stupid, you don't have any friends, you are alone, you are not worth anything, you are not wanted, you are not normal, you are damaged, you were a mistake, you are not who you think you are. So much confusion, so much deception, so much DOUBT.
Where did all this doubt come from? How did it become such a massive problem.
I started to think about a field ready to plant, the soil is all churned up and fertile. I imagine the planter to be quite excited to plant all the seeds he has acquired but like many of us we are not sure what we plant. We don't know what it is supposed to look like when it grows. I have planed many seeds in my garden with the preconception that since I planted the seeds there that anything that grows there is what I had planted and because I am none the wiser about what the plant should look like I let the seedlings grow.
Well some of those seedlings are not what I wanted to grow but rather they are weeds. I let them grow big and strong and eventually I figure out that this is not what I had intended to grow at all. I had just cultivated weeds. So immediately I pull them out and plant something else. These weeds by this stage have already thrown seeds.... You can imagine where this is going. Anyone who has done some gardening knows that to get rid of weeds once they have multiplied is one hell of a job.
I think this is very much like the doubt in my life. It all starts off with a little lie like you are the reason your parents got married because you were conceived out of wedlock. Seems justifiable to a child. Instead of realising that this is in fact a lie from the pit of hell you leave it to grow. Maybe you don't know its a lie cause you don't know about Gods plan and that its perfect and that everything is part of plan A. I mean I never got to decide to get born to those parents. I never had a say. Well this lie starts to grow and spreads its seeds and next thing you look and you are considering taking your own life because you don't feel like you belong and that if you were to be gone everything would be better....... ITS A LIE!!!!!!
This type of thinking is not so easy to rid yourself of because it has contaminated your mind and your heart and no amount of "You are loved and wanted and loved" can repair that damage.
It goes without saying that I was a pretty messed up teenager and I had some pretty dark thoughts coursing through my brain. There were other situations causing me to think about other things that if I had known the truth would have been pulled out before they had the change to establish themselves. I was confused about life and what role I had in it, I had no self worth and this led to me being drawn any which way the wind blew. A dangerous place to be for anyone let alone a teenager who's hormones are running a mock.
I had eventually basically given up the plot and abandoned the field. I was overwhelmed and seeked ways to avoid the chaos of weeds. It was shortly after this, at the age of 20, I met the reason I was born, I met the reason I was still alive, I met the reason I was worthy. I met God. Face to face and I was captivated.
I still remember the weeks after the encounter, it was magical and nothing in the world was bothering me and all seemed pretty perfect. But God had another plan. He sent me back into the field that I had let become overcome by weeds and he started to make me pull them out. I started with the obvious ones.....my drinking addiction, my lying, my masking of myself.....it was a terrible time because I had to face things that I had bottled many years ago and hid in a room in my heart and shut the door, removed the door handle and then plastered over it. It was gone. But God has this way of looking from the inside out and He would say: "Daniel have you looked here? Do you remember this? What are you hiding in there?" Its a typical fall of mankind type of situation....Adam, why are you hiding?
Well I have been pulling stuff out for the last 8 years and still I find things that are huge I would pull it out and think, that's it its gone but sure enough it rears its ugly head again and again. I keep pulling and each time I realise sooner and sooner and eventually Im pulling out the weeds before they have the chance to germinate. Much of my life is free from the bondage's I allowed to be placed into. There is still much more resolve but the truth is its a process and depending on the severity of the situation it can be quite a lengthy one at that.
Don't ever think that for one minute that someone else will pull out these weeds and that they will all magically go away or that there is an easier way. I am quite an avid gardener and I know from experience that the best way is to pull them out. Its hard work and it hurts but the rewards are far beyond your wildest dreams.
I leave you with this: Never stop seeking the best version of you that you can be. But to know what the best version of you is you need to meet with and build a relationship with the one who created you. The one who gave you a purpose and a calling. Keep pulling out the weeds in your life and replace them with good seeds and before you know it you will have a beautiful place where you will find peace and restoration.
Much love
Dani D
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